The Last Supper

I decided to get my life back...over the last few years when I looked in the mirror over and over again, I slowly saw my body get heavier and heavier. The jean sizes kept going up, my current clothes getting tighter, a new stretch mark would appear, and the food cravings just kept coming. If I would weigh myself and notice the I was 5 pounds heavier than the previous month, I would turn to food to comfort me, thus adding to the torturous cycle.
A little history of my weight gain...it all started back in 2004....I worked an entire summer as a restaurant hostess, walking an average 5 miles daily just by doing my job alone...I weighed in at 175 lbs...just 15 pounds more than my ideal weight. I looked good at that weight believe it or not, I was between a size 12-14, very muscular, healthy, and definitely not sickly. I felt good, and confident...my figure was very nice, I was a bit busty even then (D cup) but it does run in my genetics anyway....I would add to my daily excersize by swimming at my grandparents pool almost everyday for 3-5 hours daily...(my grandparents live within blocks from where I worked) I was busy all the time, never had time to eat, so that way I just maintained a healthy weight that way...but when I moved into my first apartment in college, that's when the pounds started to add on...it wasn't actually a big deal at first, I stepped on the scale that the gym close to my place and noticed I gained to 180 lbs. but that was in october if 2004...i knew my diet changed since the summer and I wasn't eating all the best foods...i just shrugged it off and didn't think much of it...afterall my all time high weigh in was 190lbs...i just told myself to never get higher than that, and I should be ok...
But boy did karma turn it's ugly head at me 4 months later...after eating out about 3x weekly and very little exercise, I decided to go to the rec center at my college and I weighed myself and the 3 digits reading across the screen said 204lbs. My heart sank into my stomach. There it was staring me right back in the face...204 pounds...not only I broke my all time high weight, but I broke over 200! I thought that day would never come, but it did, and a 24 pound weight gain in 4 months! I thought that it was impossible...so I stepped off the scale and tried it again...still the same...204.
So I went to the front desk and asked to have the scale collaborated or if it was somehow broken. They told me that they will have a look at it and in the meantime I could use another scale that they know worked just fine and it was in a private room...so i went and stepped on other scale...I felt the chunks rise deep from my stomach when it read the awful truth...204 that was how much i did weigh. I left right away and went straight home and cried that whole afternoon...i knew my clothes were fitting a little tight, but a 24 pound weight gain?! so through out 2005 i did what I could to try to lose weight, crash diets, exercising, whatever I could do...and of course my excersize regiment was abruptly stopped due to me breaking my right ankle on a treadmill...why did I do that? I was running at a pace too fast for my heavy body to keep up so I broke my ankle...great...can't do much with a broken ankle, and my doc told me no running for at least 6 months to ensure proper healing...so my exercise regiment became non existent. So now that I wasn't exercising anything I ate became extra fat storage...at the end of 2005 my weight went up to 220 lbs. I was literally depressed and hated myself for letting go like that. 2006 came and I was now a 16-18 and throughout that entire year I never exercised, and the weight just kept piling on...Of course I was engaged at the time but didn't quite set a date yet...but I was not looking forward to becoming a fat bride...so I just felt like I should not even care about planning a wedding...around Christmas time I had the morbid curiosity to weigh myself and I was at 235 lbs. By now I was seeing a psychiatrist switching from medication to medication. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless and just literally wanted to die. I thought I was unattractive, hated, and a complete disappointment. By the time I lost 3 loved ones in early 2007, something weird happened to my body...by the time june 2007 hit I lost 60 pounds and I was just several pounds from the weight I was nearly 3 years ago! I realized just how I lost that weight...I was grieving, on adderall, and always forgot to eat....when the summer of 2007 arrived, I was 50-60 pounds lighter and I felt confident enough to start planning my wedding...I was back to a solid size 16, and I was finally ready to try on wedding dresses...
I found the perfect dress, and was so excited to see everything fall into place. I set a date, June 6th 2008 and decided to stick with it. Well my weight loss was short lived, and starting the fall of 2007 I started putting the weight on once again. I felt stressed, sure for planning a wedding but was still generally a happy upbeat person, I was working full time again that winter to stay busy...I got on birth control that fall and noticed a change in my body and in my hormones, just like expected with most women taking the pill...my breasts increased greatly in size, my tummy got heavier, and I just felt plain weird all over...I am not going to blame my weight gain souly on birth control, but I know it did have a part in my weight gain...so by the time I got married in June 2008, I was back to 215 lbs. but I wasn't all that bent out of shape this time...I looked real nice in my dress and I did feel like a queen for a day. I was still seeing a therapist and was on antidepressants...and over the first year of my marriage I was slowly gaining weight, but I didn't turn to food anymore...something was contributing to my weight gain, but I was at a loss of what it could be...my husband and I went for walks, i ate 2-3 times daily but I was not eating huge portions, in fact I was quite aware of portion control.
By the time summer 2009 hit, I had gained to 265 and I was at a size 22...I was appalled. I went to my therapist and asked her why was I gaining all of this weight and without eating so much? she had no answer for me, in fact she told me coldly to stop with the caffeine intake and I should be fine. THAT DID IT. I left her office, researched my medication on the internet and was shocked my what I was reading...I found countless reports on patients taking this stuff gaining 50-100 lbs. and having very high blood pressure and tingly hands, so I cut myself off cold turkey. For the first several days after going off that medication, I was having withdrawal symptoms similar to those withdrawing from cocaine and/or heroine. I was shaking, experiencing tremors, hallucinating, cold sweats, headaches, body pains, vomiting, diarrhea, disorientation, paranoid behavior, confusion, memory loss, blackouts, in other words I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Even though I proved to myself I never really needed antidepressants, the physical health problems really started to occur...bladder problems, digestive problems, chest pains, fatigue, I was starting to think that the damage has already been done. The good news is that I have not gained a SINGLE POUND since June 2009 (when I got off the meds) in fact I have lost 10 pounds since I have moved up to Lincoln. But 10 pounds is just only scratching the surface, I have scars. Emotional and physical scars from the weight gain, this battle with my own body. I have stretch marks in places where I shouldn't have them, I am feeling terrible each day where I should be feeling great, I know I am in no physical shape to get pregnant right now even though I ever so desperately want children, I am tired of chest pains, I am tired of getting winded by doing even minor tasks, I am tired of stretch marks, fat rolls, buying plus sizes, I am tired of being tired, I am too young to feel old and I am getting too old for this. Life is short and what my body endured is just the start of a terrible life to come if I don't do something right now. I am literally killing myself from the inside out, and I can't do this anymore. I want to see 25+ years of marriage, I want to see my grandchildren and great grandchildren, I want to go to France someday and kiss my husband at the top of Eiffel tower. I want to have children as healthy as I can, I want to bury my parents someday and not have them bury me. I want to run in a 5K marathon and do it without going to the hospital, I want to give birth to beautiful babies without weighing 300+ pounds, I want to learn a 3rd language, I want to get that tattoo on my ass at age 90 like I promised myself, I want to die peacefully in my sleep when I am so damn old that my own kids forget how old I am. If I keep this shit up and keep gaining or not losing more than I did, I will be laying in a coffin by the time I am 40 and the coffin will be double the size to fit my 400 pound ass. I don't want that! So here is my goal. By the time I turn 28, which is this October (which is under 7 months), I want to lose at least 80 pounds.
I plan to eat right, no eating out, exercise daily, and tone tone tone. If I drop 11-13 pounds per month for the next several months, I can make my goal and give myself a second chance at life.